Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
