Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
