he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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