I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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