you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
