i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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