and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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