Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
