I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
