I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
