True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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