tell your sister to shave her snatch
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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