you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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