I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
