I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
