I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
