I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
