She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
