DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
