i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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