you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
