My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
