we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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