:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
