i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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