I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
His nipple licking is glorious
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