this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
