He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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