It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
