i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
pray to the hookup gods
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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