Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
