Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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