remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
