I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
