How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
