i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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