Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
