chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
