What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
