I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
