The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
