You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
