I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
