Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
