so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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