i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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