So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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