The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
