Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
