You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
