i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
