haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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