Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
