Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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