mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
