All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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