In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
