so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
