Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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