Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
