Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
