2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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