if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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