My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
