i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
