Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
