I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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