I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
