Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
